Name Forgotten

Bernie was invited to his friend Ken's home for dinner.  The host preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms, calling her Honey, Sweetheart, Darling etc.


"That is nice," said Bernie.  "After all these years that you've been married, you keep calling your wife pet names."


Ken hung his head and whispered, "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name three years ago."




From:  Readers Digest

Space Wanted

A wife buys an enormous birthday present for her husband.  He opens it and looked rather confused.


"What am I suppose to do with a rocket?"


"You wanted space,' she replies.  "Now get lost."




From:  Readers Digest

Happy Rabbit Year

What would you call a long row of floppy-eared mammals, all slowly hopping backwards together into the distance?


A RECEDING HARE-LINE.






From:  Readers Digest

Power Failure

Susan was desperate for a few days off from work.  But she knew that the boss wouldn't let her take a vacation.  So she got a crazy idea.  She hung upside down on the ceiling until the big guy noticed and asked her what she was doing.  "I'm a light-bulb,"  she told him.


'You are clearly stressed-out," said the boss, looking concerned.  "Go home and take it easy for a couple of days."  Susan jumped down and headed for the door.  Her co-worker Janice seized the opportunity and followed Susan.


'Where do you think you're going?" the boss hollered after her.


"I'm going home, too,"  Janice said.  "I can't work in the dark."

Matter of Course

How I dislike the first course of a meal described as 'starters'.


There must be a nicer name: first 'course' sounds better, I think, even if it sounds unimaginative.  Some other words and expressions that are creeping into our language also strike a jarring note, and one that annoys many people is 'at this moment in time'.  What a silly way to say 'now' or 'at present'.  Perhaps I am being to  critical, though?

Meaning of Love

My four-year-old little girl was in a very loving mood one night.  When I was tucking her up in bed, she said :  'I love you ten-ten-ten, Mummy', putting up her hands three times.


I replied:  'I love you, too!.


She was almost in tears as she said:  'Only two!'

Anything To Declare?

My husband and I are always careful to store potentially dangerous articles, especially drugs, out of children's reach, so I was horrified one day to find my toddler with a full bottle of yellow tablets.


I  realised the tablets must have belonged to my grandfather, who was holidaying with us, and on checking, found my son had taken the tablets from a drawer in grandfather's room.


The drawer contained another bottle of tablets and a razor, complete with blade.  I'm sure other parents are just as careful with drugs, etc as we are, but I wonder how many realise the potential dangers in visitors' luggage?
Since the experience with the tablets, my visitors are always asked :  'Anything to declare?'


It's far better to be safe than sorry.

'Pet' Economy

While at home last weekend, my son, a 22-year old school teacher, who shares a flat with three other young teachers, was discussing the cost of food.  On being told what I had paid for mince at my butcher's, he told me that, in Sidcup, he had bought mince at --pence a pound; however,when he cooked it, he found it contained small pieces of bone and gristle.  His face was a picture when I told him that his 'bargain' was pets' meat!

Back to Nature?

After reading about the dangers of having a high cholesterol level in one's blood, I switched over to polyunsaturated oil and margarine and skimmed milk for my husband and me.  This led me to itemise all the other 'dangers' of modern living about which we have been warned: sweets, sugar, too many eggs, white bread, smoking, alcohol, etc.  I have to the conclusion that an island somewhere, where there were only nuts and fruit to eat, might be the answer.  But then I should probably die of boredom!

Time-Saving Device

How many women, I wonder, long to pursue some interest more creative than housework?  So many tired, bored housewives complain of all the unappreciated work they do for their families, yet few stop to question whether all their work is really essential.  Some time ago, I 'found' several extra hours a week in which to read and paint, just by giving up ironing.  If clothes are folded into the spin dryer, spun briefly in cold water, shaken out before hanging up and not left in a damp muddle in the clothes basket, I find very few items really need ironing.  My family has not even noticed, let alone complained!

Seven-Year Itch

Before I was married, I often wondered just what was meant by 'The Seven-year Itch' and felt it couldn't only be something experienced by husbands who had tired of their wives.  Having just entered the seventh year of our marriage, my husband and I think we have discovered the real meaning of this phrase.  One by one, all the electrical and mechanical gadgets around the house have either ceased to function or need repairing.  The carpets are showing signs of wear, and sheets, towels, etc, are all having to be replaced.  Odd that all these things should happen in the 'seventh' year!

Secret Life

Today, I met a lady whose house overlooks mine, and I find that my 18-month-old daughter leads a secret life.  From seven until eight every morning, she peeps from behind the curtains and waves at various people. Even in the morning rush, they had time to wave back.  At eight, I usually find her playing happily in her cot, but tomorrow morning I shall be spying on her a little earlier.

Away From It All?

When we were driving through a picture-postcard village recently, we came to a thatched cottage that advertised teas.  So we stopped, but, to our consternation, we saw that the sign also said:  "Have TV with your meal.  We show all programmes."  So much for our rural retreat!  Can't get away from the box, can you?

From Rags to Riches

Before the 'leftovers' are sent for rags after our church jumble sales, we remove any good zips and buttons.  The buttons are threaded on to a thread in sets, which we then sell.  The zips are sold according to length.  As these items are expensive nowadays, they are bought eagerly by old age pensioners and young mums and it is surprising how the pennies mount up in our church fund.

Safety Fastener

In a household with small children or elderly people, the question of whether or not to have a lock on the bathroom door can pose quite a problem.  We have found a way of ensuring privacy for all without the use of a lock which cannot be opened from the outside in an emergency.  Instead of the conventional bolt or lock operated by a key, use a 'hook and eye' which can be bought from any hardware store.  Should it ever be necessary to enter the bathroom when it is fastened from the inside, access is easily gained by disengaging the latch, pushing the door gently to open it just a fraction, then flicking the hook from the eye by means of a long rigid instrument such as a ruler.

Cut Up!

Having recently started making a patchwork bedspread, I proudly showed my efforts to my children.  "You've cut up my favourite dress," sobbed my daughter.  "I was still wearing those jeans," stormed my son.  Forewarned is  forearmed  and I am now taking good care not to let my husband see my handiwork.  The sight of his old but much-loved shirt so mutilated might be too much for him too!